


Lost and Found

by superhero0008



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Everything Hurts, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:26:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24093562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superhero0008/pseuds/superhero0008
Summary: “I was separated from you... I don’t want to feel that ever again.”
Relationships: Levi & Erwin Smith, Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 4
Kudos: 77





	Lost and Found

Levi grunts and clutches his side even before he hits the ground. He’s bleeding, his palm warm with crimson. He lands on a soft patch of grass, and he thanks no one in particular in his head as he lets his back fall to the ground, head cushioned by damp greenery. He’s losing a lot of blood – too quickly – and even if someone finds him, he doubts they’d be able to do something. He closes his eyes and exhales, a sharp pain stinging at his side as he does so. It makes him flinch, but then that hurts, too.

\---

The first time that Levi was acquainted with loss was when Kuchel died. It wasn’t some dramatic scene – it’s not at all like the deaths he’s seen as part of the Survey Corps. Kuchel fell ill, and then she died. There was no trying to save her. He was a kid. They had no money. There couldn’t have been a step between sickness and death, and even Kuchel knew it.

“Be happy.” Those were her last words to him. She said them in her death bed, smiling despite her gaunt face and ragged breathing. She may have tried to reach out a hand to Levi who was standing beside the bed at that time, but she was too weak to even lift an arm.

Levi didn’t understand then, that it was the last time he would ever hear her voice, hoarse as it had become. He didn’t comprehend that he would have needed her to survive his first few years of existence. He didn’t know a single thing about the world outside of their tiny living quarters, and as glum as it was, it was all he had ever known. So, after Kuchel breathed her last breath, and way beyond, Levi remained. He sat in a corner of the room, unthinking and unfeeling, because that was all he had ever known.

Kuchel had told him to ‘be happy,’ and, decades later, as he stood outside Wall Maria preparing to take on the ruthless enemy, he knew he had failed her.

\---

Levi slips back into consciousness. It feels like it’s been hours since he had collapsed on the grass, but judging by the sun in his eyes, it’s probably just been minutes. There’s a subtle feeling and taste of acidic bile in his throat, and he knows. He had heard about it back in the Underground, many years ago, how death comes, what someone starts to feel when their time is near. The luckier bastards in the Survey Corps didn’t have to go through it. No, death for soldiers who wore the Wings of Freedom didn’t have to be slow and painful, as far as survivors could tell. When a titan sinks its teeth into your flimsy torso, you have about a few seconds at most to be miserable, and that’s it. Levi looks up at the blurred sunlight, slightly obscured by some leaves and tree branches above him. In the depths of his mind, he wishes a titan would amble over and pick him up already.

\---

Levi never really had dreams for himself. His uncle had taught him to fight and survive, and he never told the boy to aspire for more after that. Which is why Furlan Church and Isabel Magnolia were so different and yet so important to him, so much so that he wanted to protect them as best as he could. Furlan wanted to survive, but he cared about the people around him, too. Meanwhile, Isabel was struggling in life, but she believed that there was a future beyond the impossible ceiling that hung over all of them in the Underground.

Levi didn’t have aspirations like theirs, but they made him realize that he didn’t just have to survive. He could live. Their situation wasn’t the best environment to foster this thinking, but that just meant they could strive for more, beyond the Underground, and at some point, even beyond the Walls. Levi never cared about the titans and how the people on the surface had been terrified of them. Down where he was from, there are more real and more urgent things to be scared of. And his two friends were there to navigate these worries and challenges with him. That is why, when an opportunity to live a more dignified life presented itself to him and his friends, Levi took it, although reluctantly. He wanted his friends to live out the exact vision of the future that they had.

“When the time comes for us to leave the Walls, it will be the three of us, together.” They reminded him. And they did leave the Walls all together. But only Levi came back. Levi had coped and unraveled and coped again. He blamed Lovof, himself, and even the man who had brought them into the Survey Corps to begin with. But in the end, Levi knew that there was no one to blame. Life was never predictable, and Levi vowed to never regret his decisions anymore. He only wished Isabel and Furlan knew, at the time of their deaths, how important their existence was to him.

In their absence, Levi found a home in someone else’s vision of the future, and, years later, he found himself regretting once more. For one last time.

\---

Levi quietly lets out a whine as the pain at his side surges, slowly becoming unbearable. He feels the corners of his eyes start to water, his weakness involuntarily displaying itself for all the world to see. Except there’s no more world to witness. At least, that’s what it feels like, as the battle rages on around him: noises like entire houses and boulders crumbling together, titans running amuck, explosions everywhere. It’s a familiar feeling – of all hell breaking loose around him – and he briefly recalls what it felt like back then, during the operation to retake Wall Maria, when the Beast Titan simply destroyed everything in sight.

\---

The Survey Corps had become Levi’s comfort zone, which was a mistake in and of itself. His comrades were strong and smart, and although his praise didn’t extend to their standards of cleanliness, they were decent enough for Levi to be at ease with. He wouldn’t go as far as calling them his family, but it surely felt like home to him. He still hadn’t forgiven Mike Zacharias for slamming his face into a fucking puddle when they first met, but Levi would now trust him with his life.

Levi was never the leader type. He was selfish and withdrawn, and it didn’t take a genius to know that that’s a recipe for disaster. But somehow, the Corps let him form his own special squad. Eld Jinn, Gunther Schultz, Oluo Bozado, and Petra Ral. They were the best of the best, each with a respectable titan kill count, but that was not the only reason that Levi picked them.

Among the cadets, they seemed to be the ones who understood Levi the most. His orders weren’t met with confused stares or horrified questioning. Some would say they were smart enough to understand Levi’s cryptic persona; others would argue that they were emotionally mature enough to tolerate the Captain’s abuse. Either way, they worked well together and worked excellently with Levi, and that was what mattered.

Levi had vowed never to regret his decisions, but when he saw their corpses strewn around the forest of giant trees, he couldn’t help the guilt that rose up in him along with the anger. Surely, he wasn’t completely faultless in the wake of their deaths. Levi didn’t do regret anymore, but he did question if his personal belief – in someone, not even something – was worth sacrificing the lives of these people. They had dedicated their hearts – and their lives – to the Corps, to humanity… and to Levi’s direct orders.

\---

Levi’s sense of sight feels like it’s about to go, and he thinks it’s probably for the best. He’s seen enough of this world – torn bodies, strewn limbs, missing heads – it’s been a gruesome affair with the Survey Corps, although he doesn’t know what else he would have, could have done with his mortal life. His entire body is numb; he can no longer feel the subtle itching of his skin because of the blades of grass, or the warmth of his own blood flowing out of his wound. Levi keeps his eyes open, only seeing light but no longer able to make anything out around him. He wishes it would just happen already. All his life, he’s danced so dangerously close to the flames, and now, as if a cruel joke, it’s taking ages for death to claim him.

\---

“Everyone had to be drunk on something to keep pushing on.”

Kenny hadn’t given Levi much in the short time that their lives were entangled, but he did give Levi the tools to survive and do more with his life. He fed the boy and taught him how to fight. In the end, their paths crossed in conflict, and the old man gave Levi one last piece of wisdom – a pill that was hard to swallow, but that Levi had come to terms with after all.

What was it that Levi was drunk on? What made him keep pushing on? He wasn’t some lunatic that wanted to conquer the world. That was never the goal of the Survey Corps. And when Levi got to think about it, the direction of the Survey Corps wasn’t actually ‘for the glory of humanity’ either, no. So, what was it that Levi was drunk on? After all this time, when he had suffered so much loss, seen so much bereavement, observed endless human struggle, why did he keep moving forward himself?

Kenny, at the doorstep to the next life, gave Levi one last challenge. One last puzzle to solve. One last question to answer.

\---

Suddenly, the world goes silent and dark. Levi rests, a hollow abyss claiming his being. He prefers to go this way – no struggle, no outrage, no violence in his midst. Life has been such a hostile experience, and this, now, the quiet and the gloom, feel like such a welcome contrast. He only wants to see him one last time, although it would be a delusion, but he wants to see his face – the answer to his questions. But he can’t wish to stay alive just so he could conjure a hallucination of Erwin Smith. That has to be the most stupid thought he has ever had. _Ah, Levi, so close. You could’ve left this world without sounding like a dumb idiot._

And then, there was darkness.

\---

Levi’s eyes snap open even as a moan escapes from his mouth. He feels the sweat trail from his neck down to his collarbones, and his chest heaves as he tries to catch his breath. The sensation on his backside reorients him, and he realizes Erwin is still pumping up into his hole, the larger man seeking his own release. He slows down when he realizes Levi has stopped moving in time with his thrusts.

“You okay?” the blonde croons, reaching up and kissing the skin over the hollow of his throat.

He looks down at him, still a bit confused. The curtains hanging at the window are ever so slightly parted, and the light outside tells Levi that it’s almost time to get up.

“I, uhh… I think –”

Erwin patiently looks up at him, an eyebrow raised.

“I don’t know what it was… a dream, maybe?” Levi admits, his eyes now darting to the digital clock on the bedside table. 8:09 AM.

Erwin smiles and then shifts in his spot on the bed. He gently pulls out of Levi, but it nevertheless earns a _‘hah,’_ the smaller man instantly missing the feeling of having Erwin inside him.

“I swear, I didn’t fall asleep while having sex,” Levi asserts, laying down on his side and facing the larger man. “But I don’t know what else to call it. A vision? I don’t know. Please don’t think I’m crazy…”

Erwin’s smile only grows bigger, assuring him that no, he doesn’t think Levi has lost his mind.

“I don’t think you fell asleep either,” Erwin says, reaching out and cupping Levi’s cheek. “You were literally screaming my name a second before you came.”

Levi blushes as his eyes travel from Erwin’s face down to his neck, chest, and his stomach, where white stains still glistened. He instantly gets the urge to clean him up, but Erwin takes away his hand from Levi’s cheek and swipes a finger over a drop of Levi’s cum that had landed somewhere near his bellybutton, then brings that finger to his lips, his tongue darting out and licking it clean.

“So, what was it? This vision?” Erwin asks innocently, as if he didn’t just tease Levi into semi-hardness again.

Levi sighs. He’s not sure he wants to talk about such a harrowing or depressing (he’s not even sure) thing, especially when they’re supposed to be getting ready for work. Levi has to take the trains to get to the office, and he’s often joined by a few subordinates who live in the same area. Erwin prefers to drive to his office in the opposite side of town, and Levi can’t blame him – he’s an executive for a multinational corporation and arriving sweaty and worn is not a good look.

And then he remembers, in his vision, Erwin seemed to also be in some position of power, though he can’t remember what exactly.

“Don’t fall asleep on me _now,_ please,” Erwin says again, reaching out and squeezing his shoulder.

It’s Levi who smiles this time, scooting closer and pressing up against Erwin’s chest.

“I don’t know what I saw, but it seemed like there was a lot of death and loss going on,” Levi explains, nuzzling his face into the crook of the larger man’s neck. “It was kinda disturbing, actually. But you know what?”

“What?”

“In what I saw, I was just as much in love with you,” the raven-haired man confesses, smiling against Erwin’s skin.

The blonde doesn’t reply and actually freezes up a bit, and Levi knows he’s surprised and somewhat moved. Levi never says shit like that at all.

“Think we should start showering if we don’t wanna be late,” the smaller man announces, turning on his side to check the clock again – 8:15.

Before he could get up, though, a powerful arm wraps around his waist and pulls him back toward the center of the bed, and suddenly his back is flush against Erwin’s broad, warm chest. He also feels the larger man’s stomach, sticky from his own cum, press against his lower back, and most importantly, Erwin’s erection intrudes at the valley of his ass cheeks, still leaking.

“What are you talking about?” Erwin’s mouth is against his ear, his voice low and inviting. “It’s Saturday… we’ve got all day.”

Levi doesn’t get a word out before Erwin brings his hand down to the smaller man’s cock, and his other hand guides his own shaft back into Levi’s hole, slowly and painfully, but soon he’s all the way in. Levi heavily pants as the blonde massages his cock back to a full erection.

“Erwin, please,” Levi groans, head thrown back against the larger man’s shoulder, and Erwin complies, starting to move in and out, while his hand continues to work on Levi’s cock.

“You feel… so fucking good, Levi,” the older man grunts in his ear this time, his rhythm speeding up to where it was before Levi blacked out, and Levi can hear the hunger in his voice now.

Levi closes his eyes as he puts his hands up and reaches behind him, pulling Erwin’s face over. He stares into his partner's big, blue eyes as he feels himself get closer and closer to the edge again, and from the way Erwin’s eyebrows are scrunched together, he looks like he’s almost there, too. Levi pulls his face toward him for a greedy kiss, biting at his lips and sucking on his tongue – and then Levi sees it again.

The visions of death – an emaciated woman in bed; the tattered bodies of a young boy and girl; four motionless people in a forest, their forms twisted in odd angles; an old man, face half burnt, leaning against a tree…

Erwin, in the same uniform as the four others, laid out over an old, tiled roof, battered and missing an arm, torso bandaged with blood seeping through. Lifeless.

It’s as if a switch flicks on in Levi’s mind and he cries out, tears streaming down his face as he comes. His cock pumps out his seed against Erwin’s hand, gripping him tight as the older man spills himself inside Levi at the same time. Levi gasps, overcome with a sudden, intense grief, even as he rides out his orgasm, continuing to kiss Erwin, but he realizes the blonde himself has stopped moving.

Levi opens his eyes and he realizes it’s not only his own tears that have drenched his face.

“Was that… what you saw?” Erwin asks vaguely this time, but Levi is sure he knows what the other man means. “Was that…”

Levi swallows and nods, not knowing how he’s certain, but he knows. Perhaps from a past life or a parallel universe, he can’t possibly determine that, but he knows that it’s him and his experiences, and Erwin was there with him, too.

The tears continue to flow, but Erwin tenderly kisses him on the nose before laying back down, shivering with his own arms wrapped around Levi.

“I don’t…” Erwin starts, his voice laden with uncertainty. “I was separated from you in that… dream. I don’t want to feel that ever again.”

Levi slowly turns, still in his arms, and looks at him lovingly.

“I hated it, too,” Levi says quietly. “It really hurt. It felt like I really fucked up in that life or something…”

“Cool uniforms, though,” Erwin says with a small smile, and Levi is pretty sure the older man just wants to make Levi feel better with a joke. “Think we looked badass. Don’t feel bad.”

Levi raises his upper body and leans over Erwin, now mirroring the other man’s smile as he dips his head for a slow kiss.

“Yeah, I didn’t entirely fuck up, because I met you there, too… Erwin Danchou.”

**Author's Note:**

> Everything hurts :( Betaed by eslee07 (can one tag betas here?) Comments definitely welcome!


End file.
